Getting out of a toxic relationship with someone you are addicted to can be difficult. But you can do it, and this post is here to help.

Note: This article is from a woman’s perspective, But the same steps can apply to a man.

It’s Not Love

First and foremost, if you think it’s love, it probably isn’t. Recognize that the terms “someone you love” and “toxic relationship” are mutually exclusive. Just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean you should act on them.

But, most importantly, it’s not love that’s gone wrong; it’s your attachment system. It’s possible that you have an anxious attachment style and can’t stand being separated from your partner. It’s also possible that the abuse is keeping you hooked if he’s an abusive partner. Don’t worry: there’s nothing wrong with it, and it’s more common than you might think.

And now let’s follow the steps for getting you out of this toxic relationship you’re in:

1. Plan ahead of time

Don’t break up with your abusive partner on the spur of the moment. You’ll suffer more because the attachment is too strong. And the chance of returning will be too great. Start acting as if you’re going to break up instead, and make your plans ahead of time.

The more you think about the breakup, the more the relationship will fade away from your mind. And once you start thinking of your relationship as over, it will be much easier to actually end it.

2. Keep a journal

Keep a diary. Why?

Because studies show that couples who keep a journal have a higher chance of breaking up than those who don’t. But let’s take it a step further. I don’t want you to keep a regular journal with ups and downs; instead, I want you to focus on the negative aspects of the toxic relationship in your chronicles. A journal that focuses on partner flaws and relationship issues will accomplish two goals:

◘ Will direct your attention to the negative aspects of your situation.
◘ It will create a barrier between you two.

Your journal serves as a shield between you and your partner. The more secrets you have, the less connected you and your partner are. After that, use the journal to remind yourself why it was, in fact, a bad relationship.

3. Prepare your support network

Do you know why so many people rekindle their relationships with abusive partners?

They have no idea what else to do or where else to go! Isn’t it crazy?

Don’t be fooled: power comes from having options.
And having options will allow you to move forward in a positive way.

Create a support system of friends and family who will be there for you once your toxic relationship is over. Don’t overlook this step: having someone to confide in and someone to distract you from your worries is crucial.

One of the reasons women are more successful socially than men is that they are better at forming support networks.

4. Stop sharing life events

Stop confiding with him, stop sharing stories about your day, stop telling your feelings.

Why?

Because it’s that sense that “our partner knows us” that keeps us longing to get back to our partners. But the opposite is also true. The less your partner really knows the real you, including what’s going on with your life, the easier it will be to leave. The less information you feed your toxic relationship, the easier it will be to detach yourself.

5. Do exciting things with new people

What is it that frequently separates people?

It’s about moving on with our lives while our partners remain unchanged.

Begin doing so now! Start Toastmasters, go to the gym or join an oratory club. Whatever it is that you enjoy but your partner does not.

Naturally, the more you move forward without your partner, the more you will be able to get out of your toxic relationship. And if it involves adrenaline, even better: it will make you feel alive even if you aren’t with your partner.

Move forward… And he’ll naturally be rear-view mirror stuff

6. Lie to him

Honesty is the foundation of good relationships. And the foundations of dying relationships are lies. The disconnect between you and him will grow as you begin to build a wall of lies between you and him. And the bigger it gets, the farther apart you have to move.

There’s a psychological factor at work here as well, and it’s called cognitive dissonance.
Because we usually lie to people we don’t care about, your brain will conclude that you must despise him if he isn’t worthy of the truth.

7. Give less, be more egoistic

Here’s another psychology-based suggestion:

The more we give, the more we believe someone must be deserving of our affection.

The converse is also true: the less you give, the less you believe he is deserving. You set in motion a “vicious circle” by giving less. Most relationships end in vicious circles, and once you get started, you’ll end up exactly where you wanted to be.

8. Start an affair

Simple, yet so effective. Going home after the high of an exciting affair will quickly drive a wedge between you and the toxic partner in a way that nothing else can match.

There is a caveat though. This is only valid if you can start an affair with someone “better”. Don’t make the mistake of just sleeping with someone random. That will make you feel bad and, the icing on the cake will subconsciously tell you that your partner is not that bad after all.

But find someone more exciting, and you’re golden.

9. If sex is great, get a vibrator

Here’s another psychology-based suggestion:

The more we give, the more we believe someone must be deserving of our affection.

The converse is also true: the less you give, the less you believe he is deserving. You set in motion a “vicious circle” by giving less. Most relationships end in vicious circles, and once you get started, you’ll end up exactly where you wanted to be.

10. If you’re on the pill, quit it

Your hormone levels change when you stop taking the pill. As a result, it’s possible that your feelings for him will shift. Returning to condoms, on the other hand, will be beneficial. It will give you the impression that you and your partner are a little further apart.

It will also give you the impression that you and your partner are drifting apart, which is exactly what you want. And if he gets a little tipsy, that’s even better. You’ll be able to leave the abuser faster if you can draw out bad behaviour from him.

11. Get emotionally close to someone else

Emotional intimacy and love have a lot in common. We rarely fall in love with someone with whom we have no emotional connection. As a result, if you can emotionally connect with someone else, you will naturally be able to leave your toxic relationship.

It’s ideal if you can find a smart colleague, someone in a similar situation, or, better yet, someone from your new activities.

Should You End a Toxic Relationship?

Well, if it’s truly toxic, then yes. If you are not yet sure, here are a few resources for you:

• Avoidant and anxious attachments

• Signs of abusive relationships

• Jealous boyfriend or paranoid boyfriend?

• Signs you’re dating a sociopath

There is a lot more, but those will help you get started.

Summary:

A pattern of fighting and making up that is addictive is common in toxic relationships.

That’s okay; it’s natural; don’t be too hard on yourself. The key is to start thinking about how you’re going to finish it before you actually do. As a result, you will become increasingly alienated from your partner. Meanwhile, you’ll begin to build a life for yourself outside of your relationship. And will naturally drive a wedge between the two of you. When you add the other steps in, getting out of a toxic relationship will be a breeze.