Your competition is you
Self-care and setting boundaries can be difficult concepts for some people to grasp. You don’t make time for yourself because you don’t think you deserve it or need it, but because you feel guilty about it. This is especially true for empathic people who have an easy emotional connection with others.
It’s difficult to step back and take care of yourself and your needs without feeling guilty or like you’re being selfish or self-absorbed when you can sense how much other people need you or are hurting. There’s a distinction to be made between putting yourself first and being selfish or self-absorbed.
A selfish person will frequently see the needs of others but will actively choose to ignore them and prioritise their own desires over all others. A self-absorbed person is prone to do the same, but not out of apathy; rather, it is because they are so focused on themselves and their circumstances that they fail to notice the struggles of others. They would probably care if they were aware, but they aren’t.
Taking care of yourself and putting yourself first, on the other hand, does not have to be a selfish or self-centred act. At the end of the day, you are the only person you can count on to look after you and make sure your needs are met.
It is not someone else’s responsibility; it is your responsibility because only you know what you require to live a happy and healthy life.
Here are 3, easy ways to put yourself first without becoming self-absorbed:
Take space when you need it.
We all need space from time to time, whether we’re introverts or extroverts. That space is necessary for us to process our emotions, situations, and make plans for what we want to do or go. It can be a solitary space or a space with a confidant.
Whatever that space looks like for you, getting away from the outside world and all of its demands is essential for emotional and physical well-being. Taking space does not imply abandoning your responsibilities or those who rely on you, but it does imply establishing a boundary.
If people or situations are requiring your attention, but you are feeling overwhelmed and need some time away (a few hours, a few days, whatever you need that is reasonable), you must communicate this. Let others know you’re taking a break and will return when you’re ready to work on the problem, offer advice, or spend time with them.
The act of expressing your need for space is what relieves your guilt and worries about being self-absorbed. Self-absorbed people would avoid communicating because it would never occur to them that their sudden absence, lack of response, or lack of communication might have a negative impact on others—and selfish people wouldn’t care if it did.
You have every right to retreat and rest for a while, but let people know that you’re taking care of yourself and aren’t ghosting, ignoring, or completely abandoning them.
Say “no” when you mean it.
The word “no” is surprisingly powerful for such a small word.
Hearing it and even saying it can be upsetting.
No one wants to disappoint or hurt someone’s feelings, but we all have limits, moral codes, and boundaries that we must enforce with that one word.
It may feel self-centred to refuse people or tasks, but we must do so from time to time. The key is to not just say “no” whenever you don’t feel like doing something because it’s boring, difficult, or you have nothing to gain from it.
When you say “no,” make sure you mean it.
Say “no” to taking on that extra project if you’re already swamped and doing everything you can to keep your head above water.
Saying “no” to that drink with your friend when you have work deadlines to meet is a good idea. Say “no” and don’t compromise yourself when you’re asked to do something you don’t agree with morally or ethically. Say “no” and don’t take on a responsibility that isn’t yours when your friend dumps all of their problems on you and asks you to solve them.
When you’re on a diet and someone invites you out for ice cream, say “no” and continue to take care of yourself. It is critical to say “no” in order to maintain our goals, health, and boundaries.
When you truly cannot handle it, have reached your limit, feel like it is compromising you on a personal level, or genuinely aren’t interested and don’t want to, declining offers, requests, or situations are not selfish or self-absorbed.
Remind yourself that you matter.
The most effective way to prioritise yourself without becoming self-absorbed is to remind yourself that you matter, too, and to hold yourself to the same standards as others. Would you expect your friends to drop everything and rush to your aid at all hours of the day? No? Don’t expect yourself to follow suit.
Would you expect your coworkers to do the work of five people for no extra pay or time off?
No? Why should you, then?
Would you expect others to feel guilty if they took a night off and turned off their phone to unwind? Certainly not. So get in that bath and unwind while watching your favourite movie. You are important in the same way that all the other people, things, and events in your life are important to you.
You are no exception if you would not hold someone else to the same level of self-sacrifice that you are holding yourself to.
Make no excuses for not taking care of yourself because you are equally important.
The bottom line is that you matter the same amount as everyone else—not more, not less.
Your needs, health, and wellness are important to you, just as they are to everyone else. That doesn’t mean you can ignore other people’s needs in order to focus on your own, or that your needs are more important.
However, it does imply that others share your responsibility for their own self-care. When you can, lend a hand, but don’t put yourself or your health at risk.
Taking care of oneself is not a self-centred act. You are not self-absorbed if you prioritise yourself and your needs. We all have needs, and the only person we can rely on to meet those needs is ourselves.
That is to say, while you can and should help others whenever possible, you should not do so at your own expense. Recognize your own limitations and boundaries, and work within them to care for others while maintaining your own well-being.