So you’ve met someone and things are going nicely. You’ve gone on a few dates, you’re texting every day, and everything is pointing to this becoming more than just a passing fancy. Or perhaps you’ve been dating for so long that you’re at ease in your relationship and everything is fine.

But then you have that nagging feeling: are they really The One, or am I wasting my time? When you know something, you know it; when you don’t know something, you know it as well; it’s simply tougher to confess since what you know in that case leads to a breakup.

We’ve all stuck with someone that we know isn’t suited for us despite our instincts. We stay because it’s easier than being alone, because we “should” like the other person, or because we’re afraid there won’t be any other options. Perhaps this person checks all the criteria, yet something is still lacking.

“It’s not you; it’s me,” goes the breakup cliché. It’s not always you, and it’s not always me; sometimes it’s the “us” that doesn’t work. Chemistry is unpredictable, and compatibility (or incompatibility) isn’t always predictable; it’s difficult to realise something is lacking when you can’t pinpoint what it is.

But, because you deserve irrefutable love and a joyful, long-term relationship, keep reading for 12 indicators that you’re faking it and your significant other isn’t “The One.”

1. You want a relationship more than you want the person

You may be more in love with the idea of a relationship than with this person if you’ve been wishing for a relationship for a long time, feel pressured to be in a relationship, or are tired of feeling lonely. Consider whether you’d be friends with this individual to determine whether you desire the person or the relationship.

Would you want to be in their company, even if it was platonic or if a relationship wasn’t possible? What if this person never wanted to marry and lived on the other side of the country? Would you want to stay with them, or would you prefer to move on to someone more convenient?

If you’re simply with this person because it’s convenient or you want to be in a relationship, you’re probably more in love with the relationship than with the person.

2. You’re self-conscious 

It is not a meaningful partnership if you are with someone who suffocates you, makes you feel like you have to restrict yourself, or causes you to overthink your words and actions. Even if “a spark” exists, it’s chemistry between your significant other and a censored version of yourself; why would you desire that spark in the first place?

It’s not worth spending your time if the relationship relies on you walking on eggshells to make it work.

3. The relationship doesn’t recover from arguments

When it comes to interpersonal problems, we receive a lot of contradictory messages as children. We either expect a passionate love affair, where a spark means constant conflict, or we believe “The One” is the perfect person for us.

They don’t do anything wrong, so we’ll never have to argue; one dispute or blunder must mean there’s someone better out there. However, compatibility and relationship success is determined by how you recover from conflicts, not whether or whether you disagree. Remember that no matter who your perfect match is, they won’t be a robot (just a wild guess!), so expect both of you to make errors, have bad days, and argue.

Keep an eye on how your partner reacts during those times. Do they pay attention to you, communicate properly, and never repeat mistakes? Are you both more concerned with the connection than with being correct? Or do you find it difficult to communicate, carry grudges, and fear that every disagreement will lead to the breakup of your relationship?

You might be pressing the connection if your closeness doesn’t bounce back after an argument.

4. Your PDA is more affectionate than in private

Every individual and every relationship is unique. Perhaps you think it’s cheesy to post monthiversaries on Facebook and kiss in front of your friends, or perhaps you want the world to know how happy you are.

There’s no shame in either case, but you should have just as many (if not more) private demonstrations of affection as you do public displays of affection. If there’s a spark, you’ll usually show affection by accident rather than overt PDA, such as exchanging smirks across the room, holding hands beneath the table, or expressing to them how much you love them as you get ready for bed.

5. You’re hoping some things about them will change

You’re trying to force the spark if you believe to yourself, “This person would be wonderful if only,” or “We’ll have a great relationship once they [insert change here.” Forced sparks, on the other hand, will never last. You don’t have to have the same ideas, opinions, or attitudes all of the time, but you do have to recognise, respect, and appreciate your differences. It should not be necessary to change them in order to love them.

While we’re on the subject, if you blame a lack of attraction on a strange hairstyle or lousy fashion sense, keep in mind that it’s unlikely to alter even if they get a new haircut or update their clothing. Physical attraction is about how your bodies connect, and you should sense a magnetic draw towards them as well as an unmistakable attraction that isn’t affected by changing circumstances.

6. You don’t trust them

The biggest red flag, of course, is questioning their allegiance (women’s intuition is always correct). They aren’t The Ones if you don’t believe they will stay faithful. However, I’m also referring to trusting them in other areas. You’ll trust their thoughts, value their input, and have faith in who they are if they’re someone worth spending time with.

You trust them and don’t doubt their honesty. They call when they say they will, and they keep you safe when you are apart. Yes, attraction is important, but a spark is also about your connection when you’re not together physically.

7. You have to pretend to be interested, or vice versa

You and your partner most likely share a wide range of interests. In fact, you should, because dating someone else would be tedious. No, you may not always be interested in their hobbies or passions, but you should want to learn more because you understand how important it is to them, and you’ll want to be able to share what they enjoy.

On the other hand, you shouldn’t feel obligated to pretend you don’t enjoy listening to Broadway soundtracks in the vehicle or that you can’t discuss the current fashion trends because you know your partner won’t be interested. They should want to share their passions and talk about whatever they want.

If their eyes glaze over when you tell them about your day or if you don’t want to inquire about their latest activity, the spark may be missing.

8. You can picture a life with them, but it doesn’t excite you

It’s not necessarily true that just because you can imagine a life together, it’s right for you. Is it more thrilling to imagine yourself in a relationship, owning a home, establishing a kid, or becoming old with this person, or is it more exciting to imagine yourself doing it all with them?

“When you discover you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible,” to quote a rom-com (JK, I usually quote rom-coms). It should be thrilling to spend a lifetime with them.

If there’s a spark between you, you’ll look forward to each new stage and envision yourselves happily married at 80. You won’t be thrilled about a life with them if you force a spark, or you’ll be more enthused about large life events (weddings, buying a house, having babies, etc.) and won’t be able to imagine just the two of you together 50 years from now if you force a spark.

9. You don’t have a good friendship

Your “spark” can merely be an illusion based on physical chemistry or relationship newness if you’re not smiling, joking, and enjoying even unromantic time together (such as running errands, cleaning the house, or walking the dog).

Aren’t the best friendships the ones who make you laugh and make you laugh for no reason? It had better be the best friendship you’ve ever had if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone. When things are tough, boring, or mundane, your spouse should bring out your silliest personality since that’s how you’ll know they’ll keep you laughing.

Now that’s what I’m talking about.

10. You only feel good about them in certain environments

You may enjoy spending time with their cousins and nephews, but you cringe every time your partner is around your family since they don’t belong. Maybe you believe you love them on date evenings, but you can’t take being around them on a lazy Sunday morning at home.

Focus on the times when you don’t feel good about things rather than becoming distracted by the occasions when you do. Love is inconvenient; it is caring for someone or something when it is difficult to do so. If you have strong feelings for someone in some situations but not in others, the spark is only an illusion caused by external variables.

11. You don’t feel safe or respected

We frequently conflate “a spark” with a variety of different feelings. The most typical ones that are mistaken for love are comfort, addiction, and obsession. While love might feel addictive, the difference between true addiction and love’s addiction-like features is that healthy love (AKA a lasting spark) also includes respect, trust, and commitment.

It will feel more like achieving “highs” at any cost if you’re only addicted to a person (a short spark). Similarly, the sensation of safety distinguishes a comfortable love from a love for the sake of comfort. You’ll always feel safe and trusted with comfy love.

If you’re in a relationship for the sake of comfort, you’ll feel uneasy when you’re not with them because you don’t trust them or the relationship. Recognize the sensation of love and don’t confuse it with anything else.

12. You’re not on the same page

The truth is that having a spark simply means being on the same page: in terms of humour, closeness, values, and what you want out of the relationship. If there is a genuine spark, one that will remain long after the novelty has worn off, you won’t have to wonder if it’s there because you’ll both know.

It will never seem compelled to spend time with a soulmate, The One, or even someone worth spending time with. Even if the relationship is difficult (which it will be), loving each other is never difficult. So, if anything feels “off,” it probably is.

Have you ever tried to make a relationship spark in the past?